A Series of Moments
by The Deuteragonist
Summary: Random drabbles about Sasuke, Sound Village, Hebi, Team 7, etc. Mostly crack humor, bits of Naruto/Sasuke, bits of angst, etc.
1. Orochimaru's True Motive

Timeline: During the timeskip.

Genre: Crack humor^^ Includes Orochimaru OOC.

* * *

Chapter 1: Orochimaru's True Motive

* * *

"Damned bitch turned me down again!" came the screech from Orochimaru's room.

Unsure if he had heard right, Kabuto ventured nervously into the dark, creepy chamber where Orochimaru sat on his bed.

"Are you all right, Orochimaru-sama?" asked Kabuto worriedly.

"No, I am not all right, you fucktard!" snapped Orochimaru. "That's the third time I asked that chick out, and the third time she ran away screaming for her mommy!"

The second part did not surprise Kabuto in the least, but the first part was shocking.

"Y-You have an interest in women, Orochimaru-sama?" asked Kabuto, eyebrows disappearing into his bangs.

"Of course I do!" said Orochimaru, annoyed at his subordinate's increasingly idiotic questions. "I'm male, and I'm straight, aren't I?"

Was he? Kabuto had no clue.

"But apparently, women have no interest in me," Orochimaru went on. "But that will change soon…" He paused to let out a deep, evil cackle. "When I have Sasuke-kun's body…"

"…What?" said Kabuto, jaw dropping.

"When I have Sasuke-kun's body," Orochimaru ranted on, mostly to himself, "then we'll see who's interested in whom! Women will flock to me like prepubescent girls and middle-aged women to Edward Cullen! They will blush and giggle around me, they will flirt with me, they will fight over me, and, oh, what bitch-fights there will be! They will tear each other's hair, claw each other's faces, rip each other's clothes… Ooooh, yes…"

Kabuto walked over to the wall and banged his head against it. Repeatedly.

"Stop that banging!" yelled Orochimaru. "You're giving me a migraine! And distracting my fantasies."

"But, Orochimaru-sama!" cried Kabuto desperately. "I thought you wanted Sasuke's youth and strength! His natural talent? His Uchiha abilities? His Sharingan?"

"His what?" said Orochimaru blankly.

"I thought you wanted his powers to fulfill your ambitions!" cried Kabuto. "World domination, remember!?"

"Huh? What? Oh…" Orochimaru suddenly remembered what his "ambitions" were supposed to be. "Oh, oh yeah, world domination. Uh, take over everything and rule over everyone. …Right."

Kabuto sighed. "I think you need rest, Orochimaru-sama. A _lot_ of rest."

"Uh…huh…" said Orochimaru, furious that he had let slip his true motives.

"Now, I'm leaving before I go insane too," said Kabuto, stepping out of his lord's room and closing the door firmly behind him.

* * *

In the next room, Sasuke, who had been distracted from Chidori practice by his teacher's loud ranting, was shuddering in disgust and fuming with anger.

"As soon as I'm strong enough," muttered Sasuke to himself, "I'm gonna kill that perverted snake and get the fuck out of here…"

* * *

A/N: Is this the only straight, non-pedo Orochimaru in fandom, especially crack fandom? XD


	2. What Karin Did to Sasuke

Timeline: During timeskip (first scene) and shortly after Hebi's formation (second scene).

Genre: Crack humor XD. Includes…well, you'll see *evil grin*

* * *

Chapter 2: What Karin Did to Sasuke

* * *

Sighing. Gasping. Moaning. Groaning.

In Orochimaru's hideout, the empty hallway was dark and silent but for the dim light and passionate noises that emanated from one room, the door of which was slightly ajar. Out in the hall, next to that doorway, Suigetsu was crouched against the wall, listening curiously and wondering if he dared to peek inside.

The noises grew louder and more intense.

"What on earth is going on in there…?" whispered Suigetsu to himself. More importantly, why was he letting his curiosity hinder his escape attempt?

A woman's muffled sounds were heard. Then, a man cried out.

"Geez, it's probably just two of Snake-Man's cronies fucking," muttered Suigetsu. "Who cares about that? I better get moving before they stick me back into that tank…"

Suddenly, there came sounds of crashing and breaking, as if furniture were being smashed.

Suigetsu froze. "The hell—?"

The sounds from the room grew more tumultuous. BANG!! CRASH!!! Then, "AAARRRGGGHHH!!!"

"They fighting or something?" wondered Suigetsu, forgetting to escape. Well, he had little chance of getting far anyways. But if he could see who was in there, this might be good blackmail material.

Suigetsu heard hurried movement. Someone was coming out. Suigetsu scooted away from the doorway and flattened himself against the dark wall of the hallway.

Orochimaru's favorite pet, Uchiha Sasuke, emerged from the room. One step behind him was the guardian of the Southern Hideout, that bitch Karin.

Suigetsu's eyebrows shot into the stratosphere.

Both Sasuke and Karin were blushing, panting, and looking pretty roughed up. Their clothes were rumpled and a little torn. Karin was hastily straightening her hair, while Sasuke was tightening his rope belt.

"HOLY SHIT!!!!" screamed Suigetsu, forgetting that he was supposed to be hiding.

Sasuke and Karin snapped around to look at him.

"You!!" cried Karin, offended by Suigetsu's very existence. "What the hell are you doing here!?"

"AHHAHAAHAAA!!!!" Suigetsu could not speak. He was rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

"Stop that, you're acting ridiculous," snapped Sasuke. He was blushing as if caught doing something very naughty indeed.

Suigetsu continued cackling, smacking the ground with his palm. Oh, what a discovery!

"Suigetsu, what _are_ you doing here?" came a familiar voice.

Suigetsu stopped laughing and looked up. Kabuto had appeared behind Sasuke and Karin. Damn.

"You're not supposed to be wandering around, are you?" said Kabuto, smirking at Suigetsu. "Come on, I'm taking you back."

Suigetsu sighed and got to his feet. Cornered by Orochimaru's favorite cronies, Suigetsu had no choice but to follow Kabuto back to that godforsaken tank room.

Before walking off, Suigetsu turned back and glanced at Sasuke and Karin. They were just standing there, still blushing, not meeting each other's eyes.

Suigetsu chuckled to himself. How interesting.

* * *

One year later, the newly-formed Hebi was setting out to track down Uchiha Itachi.

A few days in, Suigetsu woke up in the middle of the night and spotted Sasuke perched on a knoll near their campsite, gazing up at the full moon. Suigetsu got up and joined him.

"Moon keeping you up?" asked Suigetsu.

"Hn," came Sasuke's standard answer.

A memory flashed across Suigetsu's mind. It made him chuckle aloud.

Sasuke turned towards him, eyebrows raised in question.

"I was just thinking about something that happened a year ago," chuckled Suigetsu.

"…What?" asked Sasuke.

Suigetsu smirked. "You know what."

Sasuke's eyebrow rose higher.

"You and Karin know what," Suigetsu amended.

Sasuke pondered for a moment. Then, right on cue, his face went pink.

"Ha! I knew it!" laughed Suigetsu.

"None of your business," muttered Sasuke.

Suigetsu guffawed. "C'mon man, does that bitch even give a good blow job?"

To Suigetsu's surprise, Sasuke's blush vanished instantly. "WHAT!?" snapped Sasuke.

"Oh, what's with the fury?" teased Suigetsu. "That's what you two were doing, right?"

For a few moments, Sasuke looked ready to explode. Then, when he had suppressed the urge to bite off Suigetsu's head, Sasuke spat through gritted teeth, "For. Your. Information. That's. NOT. What. We. Were. Doing."

"Eh?" Suigetsu was confused. "Then what were you doing?"

"We were…" Sasuke started blushing again. He mumbled something.

"Louder!" said Suigetsu.

"We were going through Orochimaru's porn, okay?!" Sasuke snapped.

"…What?" Suigetsu was stunned. "Why would you do that?"

"We were… Okay fine, we were making bets about his…preferences." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "And, well, we went through his porn to see who was right."

Suigetsu pondered. That would explain most of the noises he had heard. But then…

"What was with the smashing and crashing?" asked Suigetsu. "And why did you and Karin come out looking all messed up and embarrassed?"

Sasuke sighed. "We got caught. By Kabuto, of all people. Damn, I can't believe I didn't notice him coming in! He just snuck up behind us and watched us watch porn. I mean, who does that!? Anyways, when we realized he was there, we got into a scuffle and…uh…yeah." _Not my most graceful day,_ Sasuke admitted to himself.

"Oh," said Suigetsu, disappointed. So much for prime blackmail material.

"Wait…" Suigetsu frowned. "So if that wasn't what I thought it was, then why did Karin get so worked up when I said that she did something to you? Could there have been something else…?" Suigetsu thought for a moment. Then, he exclaimed, "Ah, I know! _That_ must have been it! Yes, she must've thought I was referring to _that_."

Sasuke said nothing, of course, but Suigetsu did not need to ask.

"I know what it was," said Suigetsu, chuckling. "I know what Karin _really_ did to you, Sasuke…"

* * *

A/N: …And it'll be up to Kishi to tell us (eventually) what Suigetsu was talking about^^. On an interesting note, Kishi said he'd address this mystery eventually, but the anime (at least, the official English sub) leaves out this line. I wonder why? Has Kishi given the animators reason to think that it's something too juicy for the anime, like Konohamaru's Yaoi no Jutsu? *evil cackle* Naughty, naughty… XDDD


	3. Excuses, Excuses

A/N: In Chapter 467, Naruto says that he needs to confront Sasuke. If that confrontation happens, here's the part they'll leave out.

Genre: NaruSasu crack and fluff :)

* * *

Chapter 3: Excuses, Excuses

* * *

"For the last time, I _don't_ care about you! I've _never_ cared about you!"

"Still telling yourself that?"

"It's the truth!"

"Yeah, sure. That's why you risked being failed on day one, when you offered to share your lunch with me."

"I told you then, it's because the only thing more useless than you is you when you're hungry!"

"Uh-huh. Usefulness. That's totally why you were willing to die to save my life, that time in Wave Country."

"I don't know why I did that! Like I said, my body just moved on its own!"

"Sounds like a rape defense."

"Shut up! Besides, I was gonna kill you at the Valley of the End!"

"Actually, you told me to go home."

"But after that, I did try to kill you!"

"And failed pretty badly, even though I was unconscious at your feet."

"I told you, I spared you on a whim!"

"Oh, your body didn't move on its own this time?"

"Are you making fun of me!?"

"Okay, and why did you stop trying to kill me when we found you in Orochimaru's hideout?"

"You were there. You heard what Kabuto said."

"_Kabuto_ thought of something that _you_ didn't? _And_ you listened to him? _And_ he convinced you to change your mind? Oh, that's just priceless times three."

"Okay, that's enough. No more useless talking. We're gonna fight, right here and right now, and I'm going to kill you for real."

"Yeah, right."

"Don't get sarcastic with me!"

"Oh, really? So you can kill someone you care about?"

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU!!!"

"Yeah, sure, and I'm not in love with a boy."

"………But you're not."

"Exactly. And you don't care about me."

"…Which is also true…"

"Good, then we're on the same page. You don't care about me, and I'm not in love with a boy."

"………"

"…What?"

"Seriously, what the fuck is going on??"

"Okay, let's just admit it. You care about me, and I love you. Maybe you love me too, considering that every time you've tried to kill me, you just end up invading my personal space."

"…"

"Can we go fuck now?"

"…No."

"You sure about that?"

"…Yes."

"Awwwww…damn."

"…Okay, fine, maybe later."

"Really? When???"

"After we've defeated Orange Mask, the Bazillion-Tails, and Sailor Moon. And you've figured out the whole world peace thing. And you've 'officially' hooked up with Sakura or Hinata. And I've 'died' redeeming myself."

"Are you kidding!? That'll take forever!"

"Oh, be patient. It will happen…eventually."

"But after all that, we _will_ get together and fuck?"

"Yes. Off-screen."

"Perfect!"

* * *

A/N: ^^


	4. Sasuke's Burden

A/N: Chapter 480 has flames shooting from my ears—and inspired two drabbles, this one and the next one. This one is about what changed between Killerbee vs. Taka and Kage Summit, i.e. why Sasuke stopped caring about his team.

Genre: Angst. Lots of it.

* * *

Chapter 4: Sasuke's Burden

* * *

To a man with a mission, there is no burden like a human heart.

Back then, his path had seemed clear-cut. He bore the burden of the sole survivor. The ghosts of his mother, his father, and all of his aunts, uncles, and cousins were counting on him to deal justice to their murderer. He was completely focused on his goal. He let nothing slow him down, not even friends whom he had once valued above his own life. Only one thing mattered—that when he faced his brother again, he would no longer be weak and helpless.

Now…

Things were so much more complicated. His enemy was no longer one depraved human being. No, his new foe was on a whole different level. He faced a village that had once been his hometown but had kept horrible secrets from him. He faced a world full of people who claimed to want peace but would jump at any opportunity to crush a rival, a world where the only truth was power and the only laws were to fear the strong and prey upon the weak. He faced a world full of aggression and hostility, a world full of paranoid, hateful, selfish cowards who had sacrificed his family for their precious balance of power, that fragile thing that passed for peace.

He would make the world pay.

His resolve should have been unshakable. His focus should have been absolute. Nothing should have distracted him from his goal.

Except that he was distracted…by the same things as always.

That had become obvious during his team's battle against Killerbee. Just as before, he had depended on his teammates. Just as before, he had worked with them and trusted them. Just as before, they had risked their lives for him. And just as before, he had fought desperately to protect them.

Karin, Jugo, Suigetsu…

They were just like Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi.

Burdens.

Liabilities.

Distracting him.

Weighing him down.

Preventing him from focusing on what he needed to do.

He stopped kidding himself. He had never fully severed his bonds with his old teammates—and he had been susceptible to forming new bonds. But that moment, when he had realized that Taka had become just like Team 7 to him, was not the moment when he finally started to see the light again. It was the moment that he began to shut out the light for good.

Bonds.

Useless things.

Weak, useless things.

What had become of his bonds with his parents? What had become of his bond with his brother? Those bonds had been destroyed. That proved how weak bonds were, how useless. In this world, the currency of power was strength, not bonds.

He would not make that mistake again. He would not leave his heart open to let in anyone who happened to be around him. Instead, he would close his heart for good. He had no need for "friends" or "teammates" or "comrades." If convenient fools chose to follow him, then he would make use of them. But no, he would not care about them.

Once upon a time, he had had a chance to kill off one of his burdens, and he had been unable to do so.

He would not make that mistake again.

* * *

A/N: …And that's my take on why Sasuke has gone over the edge :(


	5. Naruto's Burden

A/N: Spoilers up to Chapter 480. Massively depressing. I'm writing this because I hope it never happens in canon. With everyone telling Naruto to give up and Sasuke going overboard, I can see Naruto going into an "I've gotta kill Sasuke" phase, though hopefully not a permanent one…

Genre: Angst x 1000. Exactly how I hope the manga does NOT turn out.

* * *

Chapter 5: Naruto's Burden

* * *

Stab.

"Damn you! Damn you! DAMN YOU! I HATE YOU! I _HATE _YOU!"

Stab.

"I would've done _anything_ for you! I would've given up anything, even my own dream, so that I could keep chasing you and trying to reach you! _That's_ how much you meant to me! And now…look what it's come to!"

Stab.

"Why? WHY? If this is the _real_ you, then why didn't you show your true self from the beginning? Why did you put up an _act_ back then? Why did you _pretend _to care about me? Why did you let me _think_ that I meant something to you??"

Stab.

"What the _fuck_ is your problem?? Why didn't you kill me back when you had your chance? You sure didn't hesitate to kill that redhead chick!"

Stab.

"Yeah, you could've put me out of my misery! That would've taught me a lesson! What a _fool_ for thinking that you gave a shit! What an _idiot_ for clinging to old memories! What a _moron_ for thinking that you once fought to protect me, that you were once willing to risk your precious, stinking life for mine! _Hah_!"

Stab.

"You're a _demon_! You're a heartless _monster_! You killed your own friend, someone who loved you and cared about you and would've done _anything_ for you! I thought that you weren't like that, but your 'old self' was just a fluke! Now, I know your true face!"

Stab.

"But don't you see? You had me fooled! I fell for it! I _believed_ in you! I thought you were a good person deep down! I thought you'd always be a good person deep down! I thought that I would always be able to reach that person!"

Stab.

"But there's nothing there! You don't have a heart! You don't have a soul! You're not even human! You're just a devil in human skin!"

Stab.

"You tricked me! How dare you trick me! Do you know how badly I wanted your acknowledgment? Do you know how badly I wanted your friendship? I admired you more than I could admit! Do you know how it made me feel, thinking that you trusted me, depended on me, were willing to _die_ for me??"

Stab.

"Yeah, you probably did know! Because that made your trick even crueler!"

Stab.

"My eyes are open now! I won't keep running away from reality! I won't keep clinging to childish dreams and naïve hopes! What's over is over! What's gone is gone!"

Stab.

"But what now? What now for me? It's not just about you! I wanted to find peace! I wanted to end the cycle of hatred, vengeance, and suffering! I wanted to change the world! I believed in people! I believed in my friends! I believed in my bonds! I believed in myself! And now, look where it got me! JUST LOOK AT THIS!"

Naruto was covered with sweat, blood, and wounds, and he was barely staying on his knees as he knelt beside his already-defeated once-friend. In venting his anguish and despair, Naruto had long lost count of how many times he had stabbed his kunai through Sasuke's broken, dying body. Finally, overcome by exhaustion, Naruto threw away his kunai and collapsed into sobs.

Then, knowing that Sasuke was almost dead, Naruto turned slightly to look at Sasuke's face, one last time. Sasuke simply looked back at him, returning Naruto's pain-filled gaze with his own. Sasuke had an odd expression that Naruto could not make sense of…except that it gave Naruto a feeling of overwhelming sadness. Then, Sasuke closed his eyes and was still.

It was over.

* * *

A/N: …Yeah, I'm glad I got that off my chest. And now, since I wrote it out, it will never happen in canon *crosses fingers*


	6. The Reunion

A/N: Spoilers up to Chapter 482. With so much shit going on and so many main characters converging on one spot, surely something dramatic is about to happen…

Genre: Pure and utter crack. (I got the angst out of my system ^^)

* * *

Chapter 6: The Reunion

* * *

"Sasuke-kun!" cried Sakura. "I'm abandoning Konoha and coming with you!"

"Yeah, sure you are," said Sasuke, rolling his eyes. "Next, you're gonna say that you're useful now… Seriously, haven't we been through this before? Thanks, but no thanks. If I want you to tag along, I'll ask you. If I'm not asking, then go away."

"But Sasuke-kun, I _am_ useful now!" insisted Sakura. "I can heal people! Like, that girl bleeding on the ground there! Is she your friend?"

"She's more useful than you," muttered Sasuke. "Okay, fine, heal her."

_Who the hell is this pink-haired chick?_ wondered Karin. Judging from her conversation with Sasuke, she was one of Sasuke's ex-girlfriends or something.

Sakura went over to Karin and healed the injury. Once Karin was healed, she wasted no time launching into her rant.

"Sasuke!" yelled Karin. "You were going to kill me, you bastard! After all that I've done for you, following you around and helping you in your battles and healing your sorry ass, you were just gonna pop me off! You fucking jackass! What happened to the hot little 12-year-old with the cute smirk who saved me from that bear in the Forest of Death?"

"What the hell?" demanded Sakura. "I don't remember that part…"

Karin ignored Sakura and continued ranting at Sasuke, "Don't you remember our team bonding moment during the battle against the Eight-Tails? What happened to the guy who put out the Amaterasu! What happened to the guy who saved me from that giant tentacle!"

"Wait, did I hear 'tentacle'?" cut in Sakura.

"Later, Pink, and no, it's not what you're thinking," snapped Karin. "Anyways, Sasuke, what the hell happened to you?"

"Tch, team bonding is so last year," said Sasuke dismissively. "In case you haven't gotten the memo, I'm Fucking Evil now. That's Fucking with a capital 'F' and Evil with a capital 'E'."

"Yeah, I think we got that memo…" muttered Sakura.

Just then, Sage Mode Naruto burst onto the scene.

"Sasuke!" cried Naruto. "I finally found you! Wow, I barely recognize your chakra, it's so different and…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know," snapped Karin. "Now, who's this blond clown?"

"Naruto, what are you doing here?" cried Sakura.

"I could ask you the same thing, Sakura-chan!" said Naruto. "What's going on? First, you said that you loved me and your heart was…what was it? Oh yeah, 'fickle as the autumn sky'…"

"Bahahaha!" burst out Sasuke.

Naruto went on, "But then they said that you still love Sasuke, which is why you want to kill him!"

"Naruto, you're blowing my cover here!" cried Sakura.

"What cover?" muttered Sasuke.

"Forget Pink and Blondie!" snapped Karin. "I'm gonna make you pay!"

Sasuke snorted derisively. "And just how are you going to do that?"

"I'm gonna do what I've wanted to do all along," said Karin, an evil grin spreading across her face. "The reason why I tagged along with you in the first place."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"I am going to sex you," declared Karin.

"What the—" began Sasuke.

"I'm gonna do that too!" added Sakura immediately. "You know, Red, I've been waiting for this a hell of a lot longer than you have."

Sasuke took a step back. Involuntarily, he found himself glancing at Naruto for help…but a gleeful smirk was spreading across Naruto's face as well.

"Count me in!" grinned Naruto. "C'mon, Sasuke, surely you realize why I've been chasing you all this time?"

"Oh fuck…" groaned Sasuke, too exhausted from his battle to fight them all. The other three closed in on him, Karin from the left, Sakura from the right, and Naruto from the front.

"Relax, honey, this won't hurt too much," snickered Naruto.

"AAHHHH!" shrieked Sasuke.

And fade to black…

* * *

A/N: XDDD. So random and pointless. These drabbles are my coping mechanism for manga updates, as I don't want a dent in my skull from weekly headdesking XD.

Note: As for Kakashi, assume that Naruto got ahead of him when he got a lock on Sasuke's chakra. Hey, it's crack. It doesn't even have to attempt to make sense^^


	7. La Petite Mort

A/N: A brief drabble inspired by Shippuden Episode 215, which animated chapter 485.

Genre: ...Innuendo?

* * *

Chapter 7: La petite mort

* * *

Their eyes meet.

The bright blue morning and the midnight darkness, bound to each other, unable to break away. But at first, they keep each other at a wary distance. Words are traded. Both know it is futile. They can never reach each other through words. Only through action, through physical contact, can they express their true feelings and understand each other's.

They approach, strongly, forcefully, neither yielding ground, both determined to dominate. As they draw close, each sees himself reflected in the other's eyes. A passionate exchange of blows. A clash of power, of wills, of ambitions and dreams, of old memories and old hopes, of yearnings too intense to be forgotten and longing too deep to ever fade away…

And they are drawn into a world of their own, a separate place, just for the two, where none and nothing can trespass, pure, pristine, shining white, glowing with the lights of the universe, flashing sparks, shooting stars leaving glistening trails, a place where two hearts can touch, where two souls can penetrate the depths of each other's beings, where two cease to be two and rise up to become one…

As they ascend to their climax, the air around them crackling with their power, they reach it, that point beyond life and death, where masks and illusions cannot be maintained, where the duties and burdens of existence fade away, where the facade of strength falls down and there is nothing left but the truth, of pain, of vulnerability, of two people who cannot stop reaching for each other, even when it hurts, even when they don't want to, even when the world and an iron wall of past and future and fate stand between them…

And then, it is over. As they gaze into each other's eyes again, in the aftermath of the rush and the heat, panting for breath, skin dewed with sweat, they speak again, and it is different this time. They have reached an understanding that only they can see. They can meet each other, face to face, eye to eye, heart to heart.

The bright blue morning reveals a smile, filled with determination, with faith, without a hint of doubt.

And in the midnight darkness, the cloud thins for just a moment, and a star twinkles in the night sky.

* * *

A/N: ...Yeah. So, my first reaction to Ep 215 was "OH GOD IT SPARKLES." I just had to write something as cheesy and melodramatic as that background. Also, this may be revised next week depending on what Ep 216 looks like, but we'll see...


End file.
